distantheartbeats:

Ninety-five percent of the time I am so grateful that I’m not in love with anyone, that considering the mess life is I’m working it alone and don’t have to take anyone else’s feelings into consideration, etc.

The rest of the time I want to be in love. I snap out of it pretty fast, but when someone leans against me as we watch a movie, or a friend slips into bed with me to take a quick nap (that is not a euphemism), I wonder what it’d feel like to do those things with someone I was in love with.

As I said though, it never lasts very long. I rely too much on independence and freedom to fuck up without impacting anyone but myself and I’m too much a child of estranged, divorced parents to think that relationships cure anything. You fix yourself first.

After probably the roughest situation I’ve ever had to go through in my life so far, this is exactly what I have been thinking about these past few weeks. I’m a product of two people who have lost all sorts of affection for each other and the past month made me realize how important it is for me to get myself together first before I consider starting yet another relationship. Like Laala said, life is messy enough as it is.